My flat is haunted...

...yeah, yeah. I know is a rather unusual declaration to make in this blog, specially when so much time has passed since the last post, but I'm getting kind of worried with all the things occuring here. To give just a small example, everyone knows wooden floor creaks with temperature changes; however, when the creaking is followed by the distinct sound of footsteps or marbles rolling on the floor, that certainly escapes the standars of what is considered normal.

There's also those weird feelings you have to deal with at any time of the day: never being alone, always being watched, constant movements all around the place. And night brings a new perception of those events, with shadows marching all over the apartment and beams of light coming from no place nor source known.

Surely those things could be easily related with dreams, hallucinations or paranoia, but I've been able to sense them since I was a kid and not a single terapist has notice anything funny about me. The problem is that somehow this place amplifies the phenomenon, so the flat must have something weird... don't you think?

Generation X revisited

Some days ago I went to a party called "A todo 90" - which could be traslated as "Like in the 90s". The idea of the production was to remember the music from that decade, so its target was people like me: young adults between the ages of 25 and 40. Along with the music, there were also clips from our distant childhood and teenage years, like TV programs and well known spots, so it was like going back in time for a few hours. Well, at least for me it was and big time.

The moment I arrived at the place I felt in the late 90s, 'cause right outside the door was an old classmate who used to be a real asshole, and guess what? Twelve years later he's still an asshole. When I passed through the door I sense the 90s spirit right away, not only because of the music (though I must say that a couple of songs I heard weren't from that decade) but also for the people moving around the warehouse where they were throwing the party. A few minutes there where enough to realize that not only the asshole had been brought back from my past. The instant I step on the dancefloor I saw the chubby chic who didn't care about anything but dancing. To her left there were the vultures, with the exact same hairdoes I saw them wearing a decade and a half before, and of course they set their gazes on the cuties dancing a little to my right. But just like in the 90s those girls were there to have fun and not to be asked out by the usual jerks, so without any words they soon flight away to find a new prey.

Walking around the dancefloor was the really fat guy from high school, even fatter than then, closening to the crowd now and then to see if some girl would dance with him and being rejected over and over. I even saw him dancing beside a group of blondies, trying to give the false impression that they were somehow together, so it was a really sad scene to watch. Oh, and surely the cool guys were there too, making a huge effort to look as cool as they used to as teens.

And there I was. Wearing similar clothes than in the 90s, my hair just a little shorter, a few wrinkles in my face, my belly just a bit bigger (nothing that liposuction couldn't cure), some new scars and the same bad temper, using the same boring moves while I danced but trying to be acceptable for the cute girl in front of me so I could steal her a smile. But there was a little difference this time, 'cause the girl wasn't going to use the 'need to go to the bathroom' excuse nor was she going to leave me hanging at the end of the night without even the insinuation of a kiss. This time the cute girl was leaving home with me because, after all, she wasn't -she isn't- just a one night stand nor a simple puppy love: she's the love of my life.

And where's that bloody Karma??

Seems like I'm not a very good person – at least that's what I've been hearing the last couple of weeks. I'm not surprised, actually, but the thing is my attitude isn't hurting those I want to as much as those I love.

My girl told me just a few hours ago that I'm cruel, enjoying when I do harm to others, and those feelings are really scaring her. Though I think she might be right and I do care about her, there's this pleasure in punishing the people who's been bad to me or to those I love.

I've heard about 'Karma' and other universal laws, but experience hasn't shown those things really working. Instead I see so much suffering with no punishment for those provoking it, that sometimes I'd like to take matters into my own hands. Long has passed since the last time I did so, although the relief I felt afterwards still remains.

Bad things have happened lately, really bad things, and there's no 'Karma' to be seen. I think it's time to act... after all, I have that hero complex – or antihero complex, to be honest.

Fresh start

Several months have passed since the last time I wrote something...

Things have changed in a way I desire for so long, though I thought impossible...

It's time to write the new stories...

It's time for a fresh start...

Questions!!?? Bloody Hell, I need some answers!!

I just don't get it...

Somehow this is turning even more complicated as time passes by...

I mean, she's just a girl, right? Cute and charming, but not so different from many other girls I've met before. But there's something about her, some detail that escapes my perception, or maybe it's just me hoping she has something special, you know, to feel alive again. The thing is I can't get her out of my mind, and sometimes I even found myself calling for her presence in my bloody thoughts. Like the Godfather of Soul said, "this is a man's world but it would be nothing, nothing without a woman to care".

Maybe it's bloody time to start feeling that love thingy again. After all, a couple of years have passed already and I feel kinda healed, although a few scars will always remain. But, again, why this girl in particular should be the "chosen one" able to "save me" from loneliness? Is she really that special? Is she so different from all the others who have made me feel dissapointed of their whole gender? Seems to be some signs telling me that, thought I'm trying not to be fooled by mere impressions.

But I do feel impressed by her, infatuated. Bloody messenger! I can't resist chating with her every time she's connected; I can't forget her, the sweet giggles, the tender voice, the spicy looks; I can't avoid having the weirdest dreams where I choke while smelling her long hair, a perfect death in the edge of this madness. But above all, I can't believe I'm somehow falling for that girl. I want her, I do want her for good, though I want her bad. And I miss her too, even when I feel uncapable of understanding why.

Sometimes I remember her smell, but try not to because it's so hard to contain the desire of taste her every secret. However, most of the time I just need to know she's not some girl I met, another mail in my messenger, an uncalled number in my cell phone or a woman I went with to something someday. I feel she deserves better and, deeply fearing what this could mean, we deserve better.

Time will bring some answers, I hope, because until now I'm totally clueless...

:: Loneliness and love ::

Last night I fell asleep thinking about love...

...well, to be honest, it was more about the lack of it and wasn't only last night...

The thing is that somehow I feel I need to fall in love, but some part of me doesn't want to. I'm afraid I'm getting used to loneliness, which is much worse than just being alone. I mean, it'd be sad to wake up one day thinking love is worthless and feeling incapable of expressing that which dwell deep into my soul. So I guess that should at least explain why being in love is so urgent, but what about the rest?

For some time I've chosen to be "sad and alone", and it'd be fine if anyone ask why the Hell I've done that. Well, it's maybe 'cause I've seen and lived more sadness around love. Beside, with some really lucky exceptions, every day that passes I'm feeling more and more disappointed of women. I know, I know, there's not such thing as the perfect woman, but could any of them at least try. And knowing I'm not the only man in history who has though about that, here are some lines of Gustavo Adolfo Bécquer (sorry for the translation, but you'll get the point)...

- I'm sexy, I'm brunet,
I'm the symbol of passion;
of pleasure's desire my soul is filled.
Are you searching for me? - It's not you; no.

- My skin is pale, my braids are golden;
I could give you endless hapiness;
I keep of tenderness a treasure.
Are you calling for me? - No; it's not you.

- I'm a dream, an impossible,
vain ghost of mist and light;
I'm incorporeal, I'm untochable;
I can't love you. - Oh, come; you come.

So I think I'll wait, at least for a little longer. There should be someone, there must be someone...

Lost in translation: "inglich riders onli"

A few days ago I woke up with a weird feeling, the need of change... even if it's small and, for some, unnecessary. So here's my change: now my blog's in english.


The hidden reason? I don't even know if there's enough reason to do so, but until now I don't feel unconfortable with the situation. After all, there are many tools on the web that not english readers could use to translate my posts.

So here's the "new start" I needed... or at least I think I needed...

My favorite things

I can't get that bloody song out of my head, specially since it's been made part of the new market strategy of MasterCard, so I'll try to rip it off by following its example: describing my favourite things.

Winter is one of my favourite things, 'cause I love walking in the rain. First, I though it was with the secret hope that nobody could see me crying, hiding my tears under the rain drops. But I've learned that rain can wash away the sorrow. That's why winter and rain are some of my favourite things, and water is also one of them. You'll see me bathing every now and then, not just because it's fun but because water helps me clean my soul too.

Every month I wait for the beautiful night when Full Moon rises in the sky, 'cause Selene is one of my favourite things. She's able to control not only the seas. Her influence touches all the water in the Earth, including that inside of me. The silver glowing makes me smile every time my gaze looks up to the sky.

My friends are not things, at least not for me, but spending time with them couldn't escape being among my favourite things. Even if we cry until our tears are replaced by dust, there's always a smile able to change the tide. With them I could say that time goes by, but happiness remains.

Thinking and writing come hand by hand, they're also a few of my favourite things. My thoughts seem to beg to be put on paper, not only for pleasure but to bring order into chaos. When I'm writing it feels like a brain storm, but when the work is done for a while my mind is calmed.

The road calls me once in a while, so another favourite is drive until I'm bored. The freedom I feel when my face is touched by the wind only gets better when the music is right, and by that I mean some rock, blues or jazz.

I also like cooking, just as much as eating. Mom always said "don't play with your food" but she didn't say anything about the flavours, and that's why every time I'm alone, I run to the kitchen to find the perfect taste for my mood. Sometimes the food doesn't look eatable at all, but that does not matter if my tongue is thrill.

I really love the pleasure of a good book, don't care if I have to study it or I read it for fun. I could cry a river with a good story, and the same would happen on a Sunday match. You can see me every weekend supporting my team, even if the scores lead us to no win. It's not about passion, it goes even deeper, it's about feelings just a few could understand.

Watching a sunset, you and me holding hands, it's another favourite when I do the count. Walk by the ocean, enjoy a good wine, draw a beautiful flower, the smell of the South are in the list too. Here I've written few of my favourite things, for the rest just do some effort and find out for yourself.